Special

July 28, 2010 at 3:48 pm (Mental illness)

This is part of an interview of a pibolar sufferer on Yes and Yes:

How old were you when you realized that you experienced life and emotions different than other people? When I was diagnosed and looking back at my life. For instance, when I was in kindergarten, my teacher had two favorite students, and would always tell them how sweet and smart they were. I remember consciously thinking, “Those kids think they’re so smart, but the things they know aren’t important things. The things I know are important, and I’ll show them when I grow up.” I was delusional. Sadly, I continued to feel this way until I was diagnosed. I really thought I was destined for amazing things, even after being a teenage mom, having 3 kids with 3 different dads, not continuing my education, working at Wal-Mart, and making all kinds of bad choices (I have some horrible tattoos).

This is a section of an application I (Felicity) wrote not so long ago:

My earliest memory as a writer is sitting in a Year Two classroom hearing the teacher praise two of the icky boys for writing their first punctuated stories. I scowled and said to myself, “I KNOW I’m better at writing than they are.”

——————

I don’t think I’m bipolar, but there’s a certain amount of evidence suggesting I’m inclined toward delusions (there’s one school of thought that says creative types need delusions or they’ll never get anywhere – which obviously has truth in it). I recently decided to reevaluate my life into something that doesn’t cause crushing disappointment quite as often. According to Ian Irvine, a writer needs to write for 10,000 hours before they’re good at writing. According to my own records, I’m halfway, and need to continue writing at my current rate for another five years before I get to 10K.

So I wrote a five-year plan, painting a picture for myself that might make the next few years bearable. The basic summary is:

Save money, have a kid, buy a house, have another kid, get published.

In that order.

So if I focus more on the non-writing aspects of my life (which I have considerably more control over – and which are easier in terms of making progress) then maybe I won’t need delusions as much. Maybe.

I won’t stop sending books to publishers, but I might slow down, and take longer on making improvements.

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1 Comment

  1. Ben (Crispin) said,

    Feeling special doesn’t make you crazy.
    EVERYONE feels like they’re ‘Special’…

    Well, except for that one guy… He’s pretty special in that way.

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