Substitute Addictions

April 9, 2010 at 10:04 am (general life, Mental illness)

I have a problem with chocolate. I know that. I always will have a problem with chocolate. I know that too. All I can do is keep it under control.

Probably the main reason for my chocolate problem is that I need some way of expressing how angry I am most of the time. People who know me will know that I don’t swear (except ironically) or lift my voice or slap them for no reason. That’s all thanks to chocolate. For me, stuffing my face with chocolate is the healthiest thing to do. But rumour has it there are better options.

Yesterday was a reasonably difficult day. I had to fast until about midday, I had to go to an unfamiliar place for expensive medical tests (and expose my giant belly to the nice lady, not that she commented), I felt responsible for the death of another living being, various people owed me hundreds of dollars, and when I weighed myself (hoping to get something encouraging) the results were ominously underwhelming.

So I bought more fish. And a heater. The fish shop confirmed my notion that buying more neon tetras was the right thing to do (and in fact if I’d done it sooner instead of being cautious, Frodo1 might still be alive), and the heater also helped to assuage my conscience. I now have five neon tetras, and have also been able to observe that I was wrong – Sam’s colouring was just fine all along.

The tetras in their bag were very interesting to Sam (the original tetra) and Gandalf (the fighting fish).

The danios reacted by running laps around the tank, and by returning to their old habit of attacking their reflections. But they haven’t bitten the tetras, so it’s all good (they have chased them a bit, but that’s okay). Fish aren’t known for behaving in a cute manner, but it WAS cute to see all the tetras interacting through the clear plastic. Once I let them into the main tank, it was as if I’d scattered a handful of glitter into the water.

I also felt much better for playing “Dance Dance Revolution” yesterday as my Daily Awesomeness (“Unusual exercise”, which I plan to post this weekend). I thought I might be sore today, so I also rode my exercise bike for five minutes yesterday evening. The bike faces the fish tank, which makes it slightly less boring, and I’ve found that five minutes of riding makes me feel good without making me stink.

So my three potential new addictions are:

1. Buying new things for the fish (tetras like plants, and almost all fish like filters).

2. Buying. . . anything. Because only powerful people spend money, so it feels good every time.

3. Exercise. (Hilarious, I know.)

I also read a piece of advice on Donald Miller’s blog that was very interesting. The advice was given to men who want to attract women (yes I read the whole article, why do you ask?), and it was that you should build your self-esteem by being good at something.

I really like the idea of having some concrete way to feel better about myself, even though I recognise that actual skill takes a LONG time. I’m good at writing, I speak Indonesian with 90% fluency, I’m good at solving unusual problems, I’m good at Daily Awesomeness (I’ve always been the person who hears someone say, “Gee I’d like to. . . ” and then does whatever it is on their behalf), I’m good at tutoring, and I’m good at running a household. My focus is on writing, Daily Awesomeness, and running a household. That’s probably enough to do, but if I change my mind I think I’ll start getting good at playing acoustic guitar.

PS Today is fabulous – I have no work except writing, I’m basically at home (except for fun grocery shopping related to the cheese party I’m hosting tomorrow night) and I weighed myself and found I weighed 82.6 – that’s almost a kilo less than on Tuesday, and it proves that I AM now able to lose weight at my normal rate (2 kilos the first week, and 1 kilo after that, except sometimes when my cycle messes things up). Two of the three people who owed me money have now paid, and I should find out today (a) how much repairing our car needs, and (b) the results of yesterday’s tests.


1 Comment

  1. Paige said,

    So you are really saying that I AM a very powerful person because of my buying power and junk?

    I love it, just love it

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