Hate. Kill. Destroy.

February 19, 2010 at 3:57 am (general life)

So. . . things are going pretty well 😛

The vegies are having a noticeable effect on my ability to get up in the morning – it’s much easier than usual while dieting, and I’ve barely blacked out at all.

It’s difficult to stay awake, and even more difficult to stay civil. I drop a pen – I want to bash my head against the wall. Someone in front of me drives 2 kilometres below the speed limit – I want to smash my passenger-side window (people who’ve known me long enough will know that I accidentally did smash that window once – I still have a scar on my wrist).

I’m trying not to think about the fact that, in reality, I’ll probably need to keep being good for at least the first week of March. But I have a few tricks up my sleeve – my rule is that, if the scales read “76.5” at any point, I’ve made it. And if, at the beginning of April, they read “76.5” or less, then I’ve maintained the weight (even if I go up and down during the month). I’m also trying not to think about the reality that if I want to stay in the healthy weight range, I simply can’t chocolate-binge on a regular basis. Hopefully I can get addicted to fresh fruit or something instead (if something is brightly coloured and expensive, chances are it’ll at least partially alleviate my cravings – a lot of my bingeing is a benevolent form of self-harm, so buying expensive stuff satisfies that part).

Today’s recipe is corn thins and avocado.

The ingredients are corn thins and avocado (and possibly cheese). Nuff said.

I swam a kilometre again today (pretty sure swimming works better than the exercise bike), so I’m confident I’ve done well today.

So. . . the big question. . . what did I weigh this morning?

78.6 kilos.

In theory, that means I’ve lost only .4 of a kilo (which is respectable in a normal person, but not in me – not in the first week, which is always the most impressive). In reality I lost up to three times that amount. It’s close enough to 78 that I can probably reach 78 by the one-week mark (so long as I continue weighing myself naked and standing on one leg. . . yes internet, that image is for you). Conclusion: I am inspired to continue being good.

Since I’m an idiot, I’ll probably weigh myself every day from now on. Because the body naturally fluctuates (which is why any weight-loss centre will beg you to limit yourself to one weigh-in a week), there’s sure to be one or two days of horrified anger coming soon.

Our finances are RIGHT on the edge at present – I think we’ll have $2 left on Sunday, although a couple of bits of money are soon coming our way – so I was devastated when my partner had an $18 work lunch on Wednesday. And it was yum cha, too. Still angry at the whole world. Yesterday and today I’ve had random unpleasant memories of various people pop into my head, with instant and angry reactions from yours truly. Fortunately none of them were close by at the time.

One of the parents of a girl I tutor took one look at me and asked what was wrong. (It’s always good to look horrible when one feels horrible.)

No headache today, even though I’m right at the point where they usually start. If I can relax a bit on the weekend, I might get through without chowing down on too many Panadol.

I’ve had dinner with friends (and no husband) twice this week, which made me feel fairly good while I was with them (ah, social convention. How strangely effective you are) and less guilty about crying and getting massages when I was at home.


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