Pregnant Pause

February 3, 2010 at 11:10 am (general life)

No, I’m not.

Eating (relatively) healthily has made me think about my future children a lot more – mainly because they’re an inspiring reason for me to practise being healthy. (If I’m not healthy, what chance do they have?)

One thing I like about marriage is that I’ve literally given my life to one person. All my big decisions are his big decisions too. All the good and bad things that happen to me happen to him (and vice versa). It bothers me that so much of my happiness hangs on him (is there anything less reliable than a human being?) Then again, I’ve always liked risk-taking. And I suspect I’d find my happiness again eventually if he suddenly vanished.

I love the idea of becoming a mother – is there anything more frightening, more important, or more overwhelming? As a storyteller, how could I resist? As a human heart, how could I turn away from the opportunity to pour everything I have into someone who is me-and-my-partner-but-also-different?

The cynical part of me thinks the urge to procreate is biological – nothing else. The opposite side of me thinks the urge to have children comes from an unfulfilled capacity to love more deeply. I’m pretty sure both are true.

There are a lot of frightening aspects – how will we cope financially? Will I be a horrible mum (being mentally ill can’t help)? What about all the pain in the world? What if something goes horribly wrong? What about the pain for me when they’re rejected or injured or unhappy?

I treasure the newlywed status of having no children. But I also treasure the sense of anticipation my partner and I share. What will I look like pregnant? How will this change the way we see the world? What will he or she smell like the first time I see my own child? What will they be like when they grow up?

Each month we celebrate our anniversary by doing something special – going out to dinner, having a picnic, seeing a movie, etc. This month we’re borrowing my 4-year old nephew and taking him to Questacon.

We need all the practice we can get.

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1 Comment

  1. Ann said,

    Hmmmm…. Someone is getting clucky……..

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