Christmas Letter 2009

December 24, 2009 at 1:02 am (funny, general life, Mental illness)

For those who want gratuitous cuteness at this time of year, go see

For the rest of you. . . here’s MY Christmas letter:


The year gasps for air. It shudders. It foams at the mouth. It bleeds from the ears.

It doesn’t have much time left.

January: Got married. It was nice. There were butterflies.

Developed severe phobia of weddings.

February: Sister got married. It was nice. I smashed a bouquet on a tree when she wasn’t looking. Evidently I am still mentally ill.

March: Had my sixtieth novel rejection. Concluded my novels are too literary, and began a book entitled, “Farting my ABCs”. The research was exciting (especially the experimental bit). Partner still shares my room. Clearly our marriage will last anything.

April: Car broke.

May: Other car broke. Twice.

June: Cold. Partner clearly thinks “Farting my ABCs” is my best book yet. Hm. Got first car serviced, and discovered it was broken.

July: Still cold. Wrote blog entry on experience of marriage after six months. (Left out the interesting bits, despite rule 34.) Husband clearly from the dollhouse ie he has been programmed to make me happy. Not sure who is paying for it. Second car broke again.

August: Winter is stupid. Started twitter stories at (Louise is my other, nicer personality). Tricked people into interviewing me on radio and for the Canberra Times.

September: Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot. Parents had their 25th wedding anniversary. It was nice. Bribed nephew with cheese so he’d behave. Bribed self with LOTS of chocolate. First car broke again.

October: Fifteen kilos heavier than I was. When did that happen?

November: Passed the 1000-followers mark (between twitter and facebook). My cult leader status is now upgraded to Upper Minion. Tricked a writing conference organiser into letting me be a guest author. Made up a “reading” since none of my books are published.

Brother married. It was nice. I developed an eye twitch and a brand new photo-specific phobia.

Wrote a full-length novel on a whim. Lots of action scenes. See? I’m not literary.

December: No immediate family members remaining to get married, thank goodness (now eyeing four-year old nephew with suspicion. . . you never know).

Both cars broke. Fixed first car. It broke again. Merry friggin Christmas.

Here’s me and the partner:

And, in lieu of children, here are our cats:

May you live in interesting times.




  1. Paige said,

    cats are good if only they could clean their own litter box

  2. Ben (Crispin) said,

    EMO Fel!

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