That’s not a crazy person, THIS is a crazy person

November 22, 2009 at 1:13 pm (Mental illness)

Regular vieweres will be aware that I recently predicted a shiny new mental breakdown for myself.

I think I broke myself last Thursday, roughly halfway through my work day. I did the smart thing and finished up with the student I was with, then went home (calling in sick to the other families, of course).

It’s very difficult to articulate what it felt/feels like. I thought at the time I had heatstroke – confusion, lack of coordination, inability to concentrate, irritability (if you count wanting to punch and kick strangers), and. . . something else I can’t remember right now.

Quite a few bad things have happened lately, including but not limited to the death of a close friend’s family member. Another close friend’s 2-week old son is now in hospital with a 30% chance of dying (and a strong chance of being deaf and/or retarded if he survives).

Reading over that paragraph, I realise I’m not doing so bad. It’d be nice if I had the mental strength to actually talk to either of those friends and/or help them, but that’s just not going to happen. I also really wish I could stop running into things, falling down the stairs, and slurring my words.

The thing to do before, during and after a mental breakdown is to run away from everything you possibly can. My friends are emotionally competent and both have husbands, family and other friends who can look after them. No action required.

My family is also competent to deal with their own lives – including my brother’s wedding next week. No action required, other than showing up on the day (and cancelling every other family event until then). The day will be difficult – weddings always are – but the ceremony part is not negotiable. On the up side, I won’t have to drive that day (which significantly reduces the likelihood of me accidentally killing someone).

Work is a dark grey area. If I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. My partner and I currently have $6 in the bank, despite my rather desperate efforts to save up lately (including walking around in broken shoes and putting off fixing the heater in our car, which is currently permanently on). When I get stressed enough, I find eating difficult. Eating out is the best solution – but not currently an option.

More importantly, there are my students. None of them are in especially dire straights, but the idea of cancelling even one lesson sickens me. They’re my kids, and I am responsible for them.

Still, we’ll see. The priority here is to avoid physically or emotionally injuring anyone. If I snap, I could – in theory – yell at one of my students. Or crash my car (again). If I ever hurt anyone by going to work, I’d lose trust in myself, and have to quit.

I was watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” the other day – season 6, when she has to go to work at the double-meat palace (even less appetising than it sounds). I was so jealous that she was able to put in a full day’s work. It occurred to me that my jealousy show something. . . I just can’t remember what.

PS Don’t panic. I’ve been here before. It gets better eventually, and I’ll be VERY careful in the meantime.

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1 Comment

  1. Ann said,

    Feel free to yell at me, I wont take it personally. And of course there is the good news that DJ is coming home with apparently no permanent damage!

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