Losing It

September 21, 2009 at 6:10 am (Mental illness)

I mentioned in “A Day” that I’d had some violent urges. On Friday (the day after that entry), when a number of things went wrong at once, I threw my laptop down the stairs. Also, my husband was coming up the stairs at the time (coming to help me, in fact).

My laptop is my most precious possession – it has ALL my writing on it (mostly backed up, but still). My husband is my favourite person ever.

I’ve never done anything that could harm a person before – or anything that I thought was likely to harm an object (not even a plate, which I believe is traditional).

I always get about half a second of rational thinking in moments like this. All I managed to think was, “This is bad. Throw slowly, and try not to hit him.”

I didn’t hit him – my husband actually moved in front of my bag and stopped it with his foot. He certainly didn’t feel threatened. My laptop (in its padded laptop bag) was fine too. But saying “it’s all good” would be wildly innaccurate.

It’s bizarre and frightening that I would actually throw something – especially my beloved laptop – at a person. It’s weird and embarassing that the underlying cause of my current stress is that a publisher is taking a long time to reply (which is a good sign – but one I’ve had almost twenty times before). It just isn’t a good reason for me to find myself so far over the edge. (On the other hand, like many other writers, I’ve been working toward a big break for over a decade.)

Nonetheless, here I am. There’s a good chance the publisher will reply today or tomorrow. I guarantee I’ll feel better when they do, even if it’s a rejection (that’s just how I roll, people). In the meantime I’m wandering around the house resisting the urge to scream and punch things, and I’ll probably stay that way a few days. 

I’d better take me some happy pills tomorrow.

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