Me Write Good
I wrote this on the 26th of November, but was apparently too addled to correctly publish it online. So, conveniently, I have some good news to balance the post I just wrote. (And the dieting – except for the uncontrollable rage – is going surprisingly well, thank you.)
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Last night, around midnight, I finished my National Novel Writing Month book (adding a completely useless conversation to fill in the last five hundred words. As you do).
This is the first time I’ve written a fifty-thousand word manuscript since 2005. (2005 was about the time when I noticed I was losing my mind, and that’s not very confidence-inducing.)
Finishing something (even a hideously flawed first draft) this big is VERY confidence-inducing. It also means that I have a better feel for what 50,000 words looks like when I rewrite the second and third books in my young adult trilogy (I’m still waiting for the publisher to reply on the first one - they’ve now made a new Australian record for Slowest Response Ever, further supporting my, “They’ll probably say yes” theory and sending me deeper into hope-induced madness). Incidentally, that first young adult book is also a NaNo book, which grew to over double its original size during the editing process.
I might not be very good at walking or talking but I am truly extraordinary at producing novels fast. During the process of writing, I noticed that I often wrote at a rate of two THOUSAND words an hour. That even boggles my mind. I really wish I could apply that kind of skill level to something a little more practical, but at least I can do something not everyone in the world can do.
Now seems as good a time as any to say that my friend’s sick baby is home and appears to be completely unharmed. Today I’ll also begin a new attempt at losing some of the fifteen kilos I’ve gained this year, utilising the post-NaNo high.
Some of you already know that I didn’t plan to do NaNo this year (mainly because the logical book to work on is book 2 of the young adult trilogy, which has large good chunks which I’ll cut and paste into the new version). So here is how it happened:
On Thursday 12th November I woke up from a dream which I thought had some moderately interesting elements – an empath community that had a large underground sanctuary made of stone, and that could track each other by thought. I also had two scenes in my head - one involving kidnapping, in which my hero rescued a child but wasn’t able to save his mother; and one in which the baddie shot at the hero and killed her closest ally. From that, I started writing. I have a bad habit of letting my characters sit around and chat, so I worked on making sure every chapter had some direct physical conflict (eg baddie fights hero, baddie fights hero in different location, hero is chased by police, heroes run away from fire set by baddie). One of the interesting side effects is that I did a little editing of another novel of mine at the same time, and REALLY noticed how much I need more action (something publishers have been telling me for years). Hopefully this is a handy epiphany that I can apply to all my work. And when I go back and edit the NaNo novel, I can cut the talky bits and expand the action.
One of the fabulous things about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month – which is actually international) is the truly apalling writing that spews forth unchecked. At one point I noticed that (of about 13 named characters including four cats) I had a Ginny, a Jenny, and a Johnny (Jenny and Johnny are students in the same class, and Ginny is a teacher). Hm.
Total body count: 8 (at the moment)
Personal favourite moment: In the climax, as the baddie is enacting a plan to turn the world into mindless automatons, a two-month old kitten saves the world by biting the Prime Minister at just the right time. (The kitten’s name is Fluffy.)
Worst plot point: a baby is left on the communal doorstep at one point, and performs no useful function whatsoever. (Because hey, it’s a baby.) I gotta either work on that or delete it.
I also wrote this beautiful sentence (and many others like it):
In her place, I didn’t think I’d still be thanking the person who had unsuccessfully tried to protect me from someone who wouldn’t have attacked them if I wasn’t there.
What Edward and I have in common
I know what it’s like to snap slowly and I know what it’s like to snap quickly.
Snapping slowly is what happens when you’re living on a few dollars a week, and eating nothing but a single meal (of rice fried with sugar and an egg) each day, and then suddenly you buy $3 worth of chips. That $3 was meant to last a week, and you know you’ll regret spending it even as you do so (walking to the cash register, ordering, and paying).
Snapping quickly is when you bring a glass into the kitchen, meaning to put it on the bench, then you see the dishes (his job that night) aren’t even started, and you suddenly hurl the glass into the sink and watch it shatter – surprising yourself more than him. (This happens last night, and since I threw my laptop at him in September, it’s no longer a one-off incident.)
Both types of snapping have similar thought patterns, “Don’t do it. This is stupid. You don’t want to do it, stop! Arg!” The main difference is that when I snap slowly, I get to pick HOW I snap. It feels like it’s me doing it.
When I snap quickly, I am literally unable to stop myself. It’s like a reflex. I can modify my actions (eg throwing more slowly, aiming for the sink instead of somewhere messier, throwing an innocent glass instead of punching an innocent man – who was, of course, already wearing dish gloves and clearly doing exactly what he said he’d do). That’s all. I hardly believe it myself, especially since I spend so much time controlling similar urges successfully.
After a slow snap there are consequences – such as having no food at all for a day or two. But there’s also a certain joy in doing something a bit dumb (which is why I will often, now I’m not in danger of going hungry, spend my last $10 on chocolate). After a slow snap there are consequences too, but the most important aftertaste is fear. Because I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do next. Will I hit my husband? Will I drive my car into a light post? Would this other version of me ever hit a child? I don’t know the answers any more.
There’s also a light of pleasurable relief, because it’s moments like these I can feel at peace – yes I really am insane, not lazy (as I’ve been told by various people who are really, really selfish and dumb – and close to me).
This kind of abusive behaviour (being violent toward objects; it’s a classic) is what I have in common with Edward Cullen. (On the up side, I might be mental but I’m not nearly as emo as he is. And I’m pretty sure I have better hair).
I don’t THINK I’m a danger to anyone (not even myself, definitely the most annoying individual around). Otherwise I’d be morally bound to apply some anti-depressants, stat. I do notice that every time I take happy pills I immediately (faster than medical testing would suggest is genuinely medication-related) feel more rational, and wonder why I don’t take pills all the time. Bingeing daily on chocolate also helps. But both ‘medications’ also cause me to gain weight. Which sounds pretty mild compared to potentially harming someone, but my forgiving metabolism is the only thing that keeps me eating (more or less) properly, and exercising regularly, and venturing out into public places. Those are all really difficult things to do, and with medication screwing up my metabolism I just don’t have enough mojo to bother. So I’m prioritising physical health and social/working ability over mental health.
It might be the wrong choice. I’m not sure.
Sick and Wrong
My brother’s wedding was lovely (except for a certain Felicity sitting stiff and skulking in a corner since that is, apparently, all the manners I am capable of). My writing weekend at the Sydney FreeCon was great and went swimmingly. I am eating better, and beginning to lose weight (lack of chocolate results in headaches and ANGER but is important nonetheless).
Yesterday, my internet broke. This is NOT good. After many hours chatting to Indian people (who couldn’t actually understand ME, let alone vice versa), I was advised that my USB modem was broken, and told to go get a new one. This conversation cost me around $70, since I don’t have a landline.
I went to the shop, and naturally my warranty has expired – a few weeks ago. I had $74 credit remaining (to put that in perspective, I usually aim to spend around $20-$40 per month).
The nice man at the shop said it’d be cheaper for me to buy a new one. (Mine cost $150.)
In a shocking twist, I won’t be buying from that company again.
And yes, it was Telstra.
By sheer good luck I had just one hour of work today. I just called in sick, and went to my parents’ internet connection instead.
A Senior Moment
I’m handling my minimalised life pretty well, and I even wrote 4000 words of my NaNo novel last night (discovering that my writing rate is now around 2000 words per hour).
The supermarket nearest to me is also very close to a retirement community. I’m constantly running into little old ladies (sometimes literally) when I shop. Every so often, things get a little surreal. On one occasion a busload of seniors had evidently arrived, and the supermarket was fuller than usual. A security guard pulled aside a staff member near me and said (in a low voice), “Check their bags. All of them.”
They didn’t check my bag – but they did thoroughly check the bags of the elderly man in front of me. Old people these days!
Today (same supermarket) I observed a little old lady buying literally twenty packs of garbage bags – some medium, some large, and some extra large. She bought almost nothing else.
Now I know what Dexter’s groceries look like.
And speaking of seniors, in my efforts not to strain myself at all this week I’ve been watching daytime TV. Most fascinating of all is “The View” in which a group of women argue for an hour. I can only handle about 30 seconds before I turn it off. Then I realise there’s nothing else on, so I put it back on for another 30 seconds. And repeat.
One of their topics today was whether cosmetic surgery should be taxed. This led to the quote, “I think it should be, even though my face will be paying more tax than I am.”
Later on they were talking to Zac Efron and Clare Danes. The panelists were making it very clear that Zac Efron was deeply nervous about working with Clare Danes in whatever movie they’ve just done. His comment was, “She has such an amazing body. . . of work.” His pause, hilariously, was unintentional, and the women all around him (excluding Clare, who probably felt a teensy bit uncomfortable) hassled him about it.
Ah, daytime TV. Only an hour and twelve minutes until “Just Shoot Me” comes on.
That’s not a crazy person, THIS is a crazy person
Regular vieweres will be aware that I recently predicted a shiny new mental breakdown for myself.
I think I broke myself last Thursday, roughly halfway through my work day. I did the smart thing and finished up with the student I was with, then went home (calling in sick to the other families, of course).
It’s very difficult to articulate what it felt/feels like. I thought at the time I had heatstroke - confusion, lack of coordination, inability to concentrate, irritability (if you count wanting to punch and kick strangers), and. . . something else I can’t remember right now.
Quite a few bad things have happened lately, including but not limited to the death of a close friend’s family member. Another close friend’s 2-week old son is now in hospital with a 30% chance of dying (and a strong chance of being deaf and/or retarded if he survives).
Reading over that paragraph, I realise I’m not doing so bad. It’d be nice if I had the mental strength to actually talk to either of those friends and/or help them, but that’s just not going to happen. I also really wish I could stop running into things, falling down the stairs, and slurring my words.
The thing to do before, during and after a mental breakdown is to run away from everything you possibly can. My friends are emotionally competent and both have husbands, family and other friends who can look after them. No action required.
My family is also competent to deal with their own lives – including my brother’s wedding next week. No action required, other than showing up on the day (and cancelling every other family event until then). The day will be difficult – weddings always are – but the ceremony part is not negotiable. On the up side, I won’t have to drive that day (which significantly reduces the likelihood of me accidentally killing someone).
Work is a dark grey area. If I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. My partner and I currently have $6 in the bank, despite my rather desperate efforts to save up lately (including walking around in broken shoes and putting off fixing the heater in our car, which is currently permanently on). When I get stressed enough, I find eating difficult. Eating out is the best solution – but not currently an option.
More importantly, there are my students. None of them are in especially dire straights, but the idea of cancelling even one lesson sickens me. They’re my kids, and I am responsible for them.
Still, we’ll see. The priority here is to avoid physically or emotionally injuring anyone. If I snap, I could – in theory – yell at one of my students. Or crash my car (again). If I ever hurt anyone by going to work, I’d lose trust in myself, and have to quit.
I was watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” the other day – season 6, when she has to go to work at the double-meat palace (even less appetising than it sounds). I was so jealous that she was able to put in a full day’s work. It occurred to me that my jealousy show something. . . I just can’t remember what.
PS Don’t panic. I’ve been here before. It gets better eventually, and I’ll be VERY careful in the meantime.
Who me?
Immediately after this photo was taken, this innocent-looking fiend whipped down the gun and shot the photographer dead.
I got better.
Making Friends With Salad
Those who know me best will find the following entry particularly disturbing, but it’s true: Lately I’ve been finding myself irresistably and obsessively drawn to salad. Bingeing, in fact.
Here’s roughly how it goes (my recommendations are in italics):
1. Mix sesame oil, lemon juice, rosemary and sage in a bowl (about 1tsp of each substance per person)
2. Add 1 or more of: chicken roasted and chopped (or fried with garlic)
peanuts
ham (chopped)
bacon (cooked and chopped)
tofu (preferably honey soy)
3. Add peeled, sliced, herb-sprinkled and roasted sweet potato. [Keep in mind it doesn't have to be hot or even warm, and nor does the meat.] Roast for ten minutes at 200 degrees Celsius, flipping halfway through (It cooks a lot faster than potato, and tastes good cold.)
Or, serve with plain buttered bread.
4. Add any two of: green capsicum
snow peas
raw peas from the pod
baby spinach leaves
lettuce
celery
green beans
5. Add either red capsicum or baby roma tomatoes (chopped) or both.
6. Optional: add mushrooms and/or shallots (possibly fried) - chopped.
7. Pick 1: half an apple per person – chopped (if you’re making a 1-person serve, eat the other half an apple for dessert, and/or grate it and sprinkle with sugar).
some grapes (sliced in half)
8. Add about 30 grams fetta per person.
9. Mix and eat.
*Cheapest Version:
Mix any kind of oil with any herb and lemon juice.
Add roasted, cooled chicken drumsticks (chopped) – this is also the most delicious option, in my opinion.
Add green beans, lettuce, and tomato (chopped).
Add a chopped apple.
Add grated cheese (any cheese is delicious – and cheaper - when you grate it yourself.
Mix and eat with bread and margarine.
*The most low-labour version (no chopping or cooking, and the smallest possible number of ingredients):
1. Sesame oil and any herb/mixed herbs stirred together in the serving bowl with peanuts, baby spinach*, baby mushrooms*, baby tomatoes* and fetta (the crumbly kind, so mere stirring breaks it up). Ignore starch; you’ve probably had too much today anyway.
If you mix and eat it with the same dessert spoon, there’s precisely two items to wash up (three, assuming you have a drink).
*Yes, I like eating babies. Don’t you?
Mmm. . . crunchy.
Madness, thy name is NaNo
NaNo (short for National Novel Writing Month – actually international, but the rest is pretty self-explanatory) is on.
I joined yesterday. Have written 8000 words. Need 1000 more before I leave for work in 55 minutes.
Right now my hero is getting shot at by police (not her fault, D’Arvit!)
WILL SHE SURVIVE?
Kinda hope so, or this novel will be real short. . .
Urg
Before I start – I’ll be running a short story competition through http://twittertales.wordpress.com (no pay, 500 words or less, PG-rated humour preferred) until the end of the year – “winners” get published on the twittertales blog.
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Frequent viewers will be aware I’m a teensy bit absent-minded.
I’ve been married almost ten months now, but I’m still surprised sometimes. Last night I was very nearly asleep when the warm body at my back moved.
My immediate reaction was, “Arg! The cat’s friggin HUGE!”
The horror! The horror!
A quote I stumbled across from someone on twitter:
No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. Jascha Heifetz
Last night I had a nightmare that someone I knew wrote a really really awful bestseller. I could almost stomach that, but then they wrote three more in a week, and each one was a bestseller.
AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!
*pause to return to reality*
I long ago realised I’d skipped the “successful adulthood” phase and gone directly to bitterness and jealousy.
Anyway. . .
Yesterday I wisely decided to stay home from a cousin-in-law’s 18th birthday party in Sydney. I felt awful about it – I really like his whole family – but it was definitely the right choice. (Family events scare me. 18-year olds scare me. Leaving my house for more than 5 hours scares me. Etc)
The fabulous thing about cancelling large events (once the self-loathing passes) is that suddenly a whole day stretches out before you, full of potential. I cleaned the cat’s litter tray (a stellar achievement), did various other minor chores, and did nine and a half hours of writing. Most of that time was spent changing one of my books from third person to first person. It’s a wonderful feeling to have finished that (including the knowledge that it now needs HEAPS of editing that it didn’t need before. I like editing from a new angle – and first person is definitely the right form for this book).
I’m pleased with the status of my novels at the moment: I have one book extremely late from a publisher I have a good relationship with; another completely different book specifically designed for another publisher (who has it right now); and a third which I’ve decided is better suited to small publishers (which hopefully means it’ll be much easier to get published. . . we’ll see), which I’ll be posting off tomorrow.
